10 Ways to Improve Your Relationship with Your Preteen/Tween/Teenager.
If it were just so simple! Raising children/teenagers is a balancing act, a give and take, like blindly sticking your hand into a box and you don’t know what’s inside, like walking a tight rope; I could go on and on with the analogies and if you’ve ever raised a child or are in the process you know what I’m referring to. So many factors are involved and just one technique is not the answer for raising children/adolescents. You must consider the developmental aspects, the individual child’s personality tendencies as well as environmental influences. But here are a few tidbits to try. I’ve been working with children of all ages for 30 years and raised three amazing young women and these are the things that consistently helped. Is there such a thing as perfect parenting? No, but these 10 tips will help you move in a more productive direction. Will this take away all the struggle and anxiety of raising a child into a self sufficient adult? No, but again, it will help you and your child end up with a pretty good relationship on the other side.
#1 Actively listen. I know this one can seem like a no brainer but there’s a catch. Most of us parents don’t know what it is to actively listen. Yea, we think we’re listening because as our preteen/tween/teen is telling us their latest angst we can think of all the things that are wrong with what our teen is saying and how we can fix it. Stop. Just listen. Look them in the eye, remember back when you were a teen and know what they need is empathy not a “life mechanic” to fix things. It’s going to be hard because you’ve lived through it; you know what will help them but right now that’s not what they need. They need you to reflect without judgment what you think they are feeling and trying to communicate to you. Then be open and willing to be corrected. You don’t lose authority or any other position of influence if you are wrong as long as you don’t freak out being wrong. If you are wrong keep asking them to help you understand. If you never get it right, you might consider looking for a counselor/therapist that they can connect to or some other adult you and they trust to see if they can connect. Remember, it’s okay to not understand as long as you want to understand or you want your child to feel understood.
#2 Admit when you are wrong and apologize. Some parents believe that to admit they are wrong is the cardinal sin of parenting; and then on top of that to apologize, is the day the kids take over the house. I’m not suggesting you don’t stand strong on certain beliefs you have as a parent but it is amazing how a simple, “I didn’t think of it that way or I did say that in a way that was distrusting, I’m sorry.” makes all the difference in the world. When you can do this it sends a message to your child that you are willing to listen and be fair. It helps them understand that you respect them as a thoughtful, intelligent, individual. This is what teenagers/preteens/tweens are striving towards and helps them have confidence in the way they think about the world around them. And listen, you are wrong sometimes; we are human, we don’t always understand their life and with what they have to contend. The world is different then when you grew up, guaranteed. Does this admittance mean you have to forego boundaries? Absolutely not; more on this later, but it does mean you might occasionally need to have a discussion about changing the boundaries until otherwise shown that boundary is needed.
#3 Let your child be themselves. Don’t compare yourself with your child or your child to you. They may look like you and have many of the characteristics you have but do not let yourself be heard saying, “Well, when I was a kid, I had to do this…or when I was a kid, I was able to do this!” If you do say that, do the 2nd tip; admit you were wrong and apologize! Share stories of your own struggles but share them as a story of your own struggles without the intent of sending a message. Just share and be vulnerable and talk about how hard it was and that maybe if you hadn’t made a certain decision you could have avoided this or that but follow up with how it made you who you are today. This communicates to them that everyone makes mistakes and it helps us develop and learn. It also communicates unconditional positive regard. This is the thing that allows therapist to establish a safe place for clients to unravel their inner struggles. This will also allow your child to know you are a place of safety and understanding (Again, doesn’t equate a lack of boundaries).
#4 Expect the best. Always expect the best in your child even if you know they probably aren’t fulfilling their best selves at the time. You will probably recognize that they may be heading down a slippery slope but if you approach them as if they are living their best life this will build their strengths. A simple example. Your child at first glance appears to be side stepping completing a task that you asked them to do, like doing dishes, by going to
whoiscall says
Thanks